Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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