The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
