If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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