did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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