wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
