he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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