I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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