in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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