got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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