dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize