feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
