I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i need some magic done to my vagina
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
