i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize