I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
