His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
