i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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