The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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