but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
