We're facebook friends in real life
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
