ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
