So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize