My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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