i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
