dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
