my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I want her autograph on my taint
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
