Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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