i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
