his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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