YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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