I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Randomize
