The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i love accidental penises.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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