I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
