I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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