I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
