I wish my penis had an off switch
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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