guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
