In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize