How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
People in love make me want to vomit
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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