how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
