I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
