My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
