smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
