for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
