you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
