You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
