Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
