Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
