i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
