Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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