Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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