Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize