Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
