he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
