Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
