If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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