Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
