Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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