His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
