I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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