i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
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