At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize
