I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
