I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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