It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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